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gryphmon Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "gryphmon" journal:

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May 24th, 2008
02:30 pm


MEMORIAL DAY -- Remembering Alan Rogers
MEMORIAL DAY -- Remembering Alan Rogers

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September 6th, 2007
08:58 pm


Bin Laden 9-11 Video

"It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions
in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains
of a different opinion."

-- William Ralph Inge
(1860-1954) English author, Anglican prelate

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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August 21st, 2007
01:28 am


Dance marines!

LOL Now thats what I call Cadence!

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June 23rd, 2007
07:32 am


Fate must have a reason....why else endure the season....of hollow soul?  -(KD Lang)

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy

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June 15th, 2007
10:25 pm


Its been a long week. Strike that, its been a long  3 years.

It was that long ago that my Dad was diagnosed with cancer.

He passed away this week on Teusday. I think. Everything is running together in my head without a lot of sense.

He was at the hospital, we had admitted him to the transitional care unit the previous Friday. He wasn't able to He was at the hospital, we had admitted him to the transitional care unit the previous Friday. He wasn't able to swallow his medications anymore. He would have rather died at home I know, but his mental capacity was too far gone for us to take care of him. He would get up in the middle of the night and fall down, and one night he even tore out his catheter. Ouch!

Its like for the past month we have been walking together down a very rocky, winding, tough road. Only he has been walking faster and faster, and growing more distant as he has moved farther down the path in front of me. This week he finally moved out of sight.

At least thats the kind of sappy shit that I try to think. In truth, I don't think there is much dignity in death.  He went downhill quickly. It wasn't the cancer that killed him, but the treatment for it. The radiation he went through in order to kill the tumors in his head also killed him. In the last few weeks his brain atrophied rapidly.

He turned from a person into a breathing husk of a person. A vessel where something, someone, lived but didn't any longer. I suppose its sort of like watching a child grow up in reverse. He went from a thinking adult into a babbling infant unable to control his very bowel movements very quickly.  The horror of it was that he understood what was happening to him. He felt an awful loss of his personal dignity. I could tell this hurt him more than the thought of dying itself. We couldn't really comfort him with this. So when it was time to change his diapers we just did it in a matter-of-fact way, without making a big deal out of it. It was all we could do.

Fortunately I guess, Dad's awareness of himself and what was happening to him faded very quickly. For the last week he sort of recognized our faces and voices, but not where he was or why. He started to refuse to eat or drink, and per his previous instructions we did not have a feeding tube or IV inserted. We gave him whatever he asked for, and did our best to see that he was as comfortable and pain-free as possible.

I could not help but wonder at the time what it would have been like to have someone like President Bush and the whole fucking Congress of the U.S. come in and try and force Dad to have a feeding tube against his will, like they did with Terry Schiavo. God those motherfuckers really raped her when they did that. It would have taken the last remaining shred of dignity and control over his life that my Dad had remaining to himself. Sometimes the right to die really is the right to live, the right to choose how you want to live, no matter for how short a time you have remaining to you.

Current Location: Home in Los Angeles
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Gershwin: My Man's Gone Now. (from Porgy and Bess)

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June 8th, 2007
02:05 pm



What is it with all the people trooping through the house today. Can't they leave a dying man (and his family) in peace? Yes, Yes, I know you all love him, thats why you haven't talked to him in a year. Now get the fuck out of here.


Current Mood: grumpygrumpy

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June 5th, 2007
10:12 am


Sigh. Dad fell again. Betty had stepped outside for a quick smoke and Dad was asleep in his bed. I was in my office on the computer when I heard a big thump and and I ran out and Dad was laying on his side in his bedroom.

He did not hurt himself though other than a bit of bruising. But we finally just could not stand it anymore and called the hospice people in the middle of the night. It was midnight when he fell and they send a nurse out who got there at 1am. She was really sweet and hand on a shirt that said "I love soldier boys". Ha, I thought, so do I.

Anyway she checked him out and gave him some morphine. Thats apparently good stuff. We had tried it with him before in pill form but it seemed to make him itch. This was in liquid form though and has not had any side affects other than making him sleepy.

She decided to cathertize him. We should have done this before but he was really resistant. Holy Cow! He let out about 1200 milleters of urine. The nurse said that normally we hold about 70. He must have been so uncomfortable, but as usual he didn't tell us about it.  At any rate, now he sleeps at night and does not get up for any midnight wanderings. He has not fallen since then. We also got the hospice people to put a different kind of railing than the kind they orginally put on the bed. This is longer and he has a more difficult time lowering it and so makes enough racket so that either Betty or I hear him trying to get up. We also hired someone to watch him during the day which really helps, we have just been so burnt out. I haven't been to work in two weeks and Betty and i have just been trying to take care of Dad. 

Hopefully we are at the point where I can go back to work. But I really don't want to because my Dad is fading fast and I feel like I should be there becuase I'm not going to have any more chances otherwise. But if I don't go to work I don't get paid and I need the money to pay his mortgage. So I will try to go into work tommorrow. Fortunatly there is  a lot I can do from home.

Current Mood: numbnumb

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June 4th, 2007
10:09 am



I was in bed asleep a few days ago and got woken up by a loud crash, I ran out of my room there was Dad, staggering in the hallway knocking things off of the table. Sigh. Again.

He has been getting up in the middle of the night and trying to go to the bathroom. He has fallen every night.
The hospice people brought over a bed with railings but he gets past them. Betty, (his girlfriend) and I try to help him each time he gets up becasue he staggers around like a drunken ballerina. He does not appear to have very much of a sense of balance, and his vision is fucked up too. His eyes no longer move in concert together. This is because of the degeneration of his brain into white matter they doctors tell us.

Betty and I stay up and help him each time he gets up but we have been doing that for 4 days straight and we are so burnt out that we can't stay awake or alert enough to know when he is getting up.

Its funny but after I went back to bed after the episode a few days ago I had a wierd dream. In it I was crying and David showed up and started talking to me. I can't remember all of what he said but it was something sassy along the lines of stop feeling sorry for yourself.  In the dream I remember saying "Hey if your my fucking guardian angel why don't you send me over a gentle dark-haired bruiser to hold me on nights like these?, you know, 6 feet 2 with eyes of blue?".  David leans over and gently strokes my face, and says, "Shut the fuck up and go to sleep you dufus". So I grab my pillow tighter and do exactly that.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Kate Bush

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June 3rd, 2007
03:50 am


The Long Watch

In November of 2005 my Dad told me that he a tumor in his lungs and that it was malignant. The doctors said at the time his prognosis was about 5 years. It looks like they may have been a little too optimistic.

He's gone through chemo, and radiation. He's had his chest cancer disappear and reappear. He's had tumors in his brain, and had them disappear also. But the radiation that cured him of the cancer is whats going to end up killing him. Scar tissue is beginning to rapidly develop, even though his treatment was many months ago. I guess there is apparently Grey brain matter and white brain matter. White brain matter is basically not part of the functional brain. My Dad's brain is rapidly converting from Grey brain matter into white brain matter. His brain is basically dissolving, atrophying at a rapid rate. 1 month ago, he was up and around, and leading a more or less normal life of a retired man. He memory was for shit, but he was still reasonably sharp witted. The lights were still on when you looked into his eyes. Now they have begun to dim.

Two weeks ago he began to have trouble with his appetite. He gradually stopped eating and drinking. He became weak and bed-ridden and started losing weight rapidly. We do as much as we can to stuff food and water down his gullet but he just won't eat.

So this is the beginning of the end. He is in bed all the time now, and he doesn't make very much sense. We took him to his oncologist cancer doctor who had only seen him just two weeks before. The doctor was shocked and literally turned pale. Since I imagine he sees dying patients with cancer all the time Dad looked pretty bad. He told us that there was really not anything anymore that we can do but keep him comfortable. Sot that is what we are doing.

We are starting the long watch you make when someone you love is slipping out of this life. I remember this with David, my love. Its different with Dad I have to say. If only because David was 26 and my Dad is 68. David became infected with HIV the 2nd time he ever had sex. My Dad developed cancer after a lifetime of smoking like a chimney. My Dads older brother is 75 and looks 55, my Dad when he was 65 looked like he was 85. Great stuff smoking. People who smoke are idiots. 

Unfortunately my Dad is one of those idiots. Yesterday he started having his first occasion of incontinence, meaning he shits in his pants now. I had to go out and buy a plastic sheet cover for his mattress, and a bunch of Depends. Today he is ready for another box of them. I got my Dad a wheelchair and a walker. I don't think he will use them much because he won't get out of bed. Not can't- Just won't. He doesn't have his sense of balance anymore and he has fallen several times trying to make to the bathroom. (and failing). He can't bathe himself, we have to do it for him. I love my Dad a lot, but I don't really feel so sorry for him. How can I feel sorry for him when he has had such a long good life and my David died when he was 26?

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Tears for Fears: Pale Shelter

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March 31st, 2007
10:05 am


Blood of Eden
"Blood Of Eden"
-Peter Gabriel

I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
And the darkness still has work to do
The knotted chord's untying
They're heated and they're holy
Oh they're sitting there on high
So secure with everything they're buying

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
We wanted the union
Oh the union of the woman
The woman and the man

My grip is surely slipping
I think I've lost my hold
Yes, I think I've lost my hold
I cannot get insurance anymore
They don't take credit, only gold
Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
You hold so tightly in your hand
And all the while the distance grows between you and me
I do not understand


At my request, you take me in
In that tenderness, I am floating away
No certainty, nothing to rely on
Holding still for a moment
What a moment this is
Oh for a moment of forgetting, a moment of bliss

I can hear the distant thunder
Of a million unheard souls
Of a million unheard souls
Watch each one reach for creature comfort
For the filling of their holes

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
In the blood of Eden
We wanted the union
Of the woman and the man

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
I feel the man in the woman
And the woman in the man

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
I feel the man in the woman
And the woman in the man

In the blood of Eden
We've done everything we can
In the blood of Eden
Saw the end as we began
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
It was all for the union
Oh, the union of the woman, the woman and the man.

[extra lyrics from the "film mix"]

The blood of eden keeps running through me
running through my veins
the blood of eden keeps rushing through me
when I'm sure there's none that remains
the blood of eden keeps running through me
I can feel it in my bones
that blood of eden keeps rushing through me
taking back what it owns

Current Mood: determineddetermined

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